Reality Doesn't Bite

I am exhausted and had a really pitiful breakdown yesterday where the 4 year old came out in me and decided it wasn’t fair that I was working so much. Really, God has blessed me with wonderful work, of which I mostly enjoy. Currently, I work “full-time” at Elliott Electric Supply- 32 hours a week. They moved me to a non-stressful position when I got pregnant, lowered my hours, AND let me keep my insurance (how great is that??); unfortunately- it’s just a tad bit boring. I also do album design for my sister’s wedding photography business, which I love! It’s usually not much work, but it’s been a consistent 8 hours a week the last few weeks. My evening last night was dedicated to baking a cake --- for money (it still shocks me what people will pay you to do). Throw in my Tuesday violin lesson- which is so not work, but it felt like it during my tantrum--- and you find me feeling like all I ever do is work (and Thomas agreed).

If you knew much about the Cocklins, you’d know we’re all work a holics- or hobby-a-holics (our hobbies tend to masquerade as work). We just can’t sit still! I usually LOVE the feeling of being productive, of using skills God gave me in a multitude of ways, but lately my train of thought has been shifted—and I realized after my 4 hour tantrum that this is where the clashing feelings are coming from.

Soon I will become a stay at home mom and we’ve been trying to prepare for the transition. I have only been out of a job for 2 months since I was 16 so this is going to be a BIG change. Thomas and I have had a lot of conversations about what each of our expectations are for my new role and how they fit into reality. I’ve thought about it so much that I expect myself to already be fulfilling the roles we discussed. And why not? There are millions of working moms that keep their house running like a well oiled machine. So if they can do it while they have kids, surely I can do it when I don’t have kids right? I sit in my cubicle for 7 hours a day dwelling on all the things I should be doing at home to prepare for Eden and serve my husband, and then when I get home, I either have more work or I’m too tired to do anything.

When I finally uncovered these mostly sub-conscious thoughts yesterday I realized 1) Pregnant women are allowed to let some things slip like consistent housework and cooking, 2) While I’m still working I shouldn’t expect myself to change overnight, and 3) I have an incredibly loving and supportive husband and God.

So what did I learn from my realization? Well, I’m baking another cake tonight and am going to Dallas this weekend to get some necessary baby things taken care of, and am convinced the crib skirt should be finished before I leave to be on schedule…. so maybe realizations are easier than action… but my mental health is much brighter and that laundry can sit in the corner for a few more days :).